What's in a name?

I would like to share with you a fine selection of names, handpicked from the "Little Tikes" website. These names are all genuine, from photos submitted to the site for a competition.
Once I started looking, I simply couldn't stop!
So I have categorised the best into a guide on what NOT to name your child.

Welcome to Suburban Australia...

Brands:
Oakley, Levi, Harley, Amahni (the only thing sadder than naming your child after an “expensive” brand is to spell it in a bizarre way)

Names that ensure your daughter will become a stripper:
Velvet, Vienna, Magenta, Harmoni, Charli, Charlee, Vyolett, and BEST of all... Hunnie-Joy (this is no joke)

Former presidents of the United States:
Kennedy, Lincoln, Lincon (I know…), Linkin, Carter, Kartah

Any names that sound like this:
Kaiden Jayden Jaiden Jaidan Caiden Jaydon Jaden Caden Aydan Kadin Kadyn Kaydn Brayden Zayden Kayden, Braydon

Or this:
Caelan Talen Rhylan Kaelen Jaelin Jaylen Jailen Kaylin Taylen

Beverages:
Brandi, Bailey, Bailie, Bayli

Inanimate objects:
Blade, Diesel, Jet, Chevy

Living creatures:
Phoenix, Griffin, Marlin

Places:
Mali, Dallas, Orlando, Dakota, Mackai, Vienna, Brooklin

Drunken-text-message style:
Anddi, Elaa, Loklann, Tiaan, Jakk, Maddelynn

Made up names:
Tane, Jayda, Mostyn, Zarli, Maylayla (!!!), Jory, Javier, Kaizac, Kaidayn, Jayla, Braith

Crap spellings:
Jaymz, Jakk, Jakeb, Jordin, Kloe, Madelen, Jaxon, Tayla, Caeley, Jianni (“j” isn’t in the Italian alphabet, nice try anyway Shazza), Rhilea, Rhylee, Tahj, Mikenzee, Kyzer, Harmoni

Personal favourites:
Tiarna-Aaliyah, T’Jae

**PLEASE NOTE: ALL SPELLINGS ARE ACCURATE**

Devastatingly casual...

Okay, time to get all "AM" and have a good ol' fashioned whinge.

I have an issue with people who have no regard to the protocol and/or expectations of a social setting simply to prove a point. I'm not referring to day-to-day dress, but rather respecting the dress standards of an event or situation to which you are invited.

For example, I was watching Q&A tonight on ABC (oh la-di-da... best of a bad bunch), and on tonight's panel was a so-called "commentator" and author by the name of Guy Rundle. I'll get back to him soon.
Now, if you are privileged enough to be invited to participate in a televised, well regarded political Q&A, one would expect that you would make somewhat of an effort with your presentation. Male guests don jackets and shirts, often with a tie, and token female guests - all highly intellectual with integrity and impressive achievements in media and/or politics, but generally ignored for the majority of the programme - dress demurely in blouses or blazers.

The aforementioned Mr Rundle - "commentator" - chose to let it all hang out in a very classy ensemble consisting of shitty, faded black t-shirt set off nicely with a hideously sculpted short black beard.
Well, he certainly has shown us! By choosing such fabulously casual attire, he MUST be a moody, creative intellectual who ignores conventional standards!

No, Guy. You just look like a fat tryhard who wandered in off the street. Someone I would avoid standing next to at the bus stop. 

Perhaps you should head on over to the Gruen Transfer where you can mingle with similarly "individual" "commentators", well-paid enough to buy the best homeless couture, and painstakingly desperate to appear smart, worldly & modern.

Maybe just avoid television altogether.. you have a very good face for radio (ouch!).

*cue AM music outro*

R.S.P.C.E. Appeal

Royal Society for the Protection of Cruelty to Ears

Day after day, we are plagued with thousands of harrowing stories of abuse.
Sadly, instances of cruelty to ears are on the rise.
We are committed to stamping down on these horrific acts on innocent organs around the country, and we need your help.
Step by step, we can do our best to eradicate this behaviour.

So today, we are pleased to announce our first campaign:

Operation Vocoder

Current levels of Vocoder exploitation are threatening this rare and highly specialised organism with extinction. The Vocoder is a rare species, incompatible with urban life, and usually very dangerous to humans.
However, extinction of the Vocoder will potentially expose other members of the "Tastelessicum" family to abuse, thus threatening the rest of the auditory chain.
The only pure colony remaining in the wild is “So Ruff, So Tuff”. They interact extraordinarily well with humans, and recent hybrids of the species such as “Pop Champagne” are equally revered.
However, illegally poached mutant strains of Vocoder are not so friendly...

Recently, atrocious trafficking organisations such as T.Pain, Kanye West and Lady GaGa have been raking in millions by exploiting abused Vocoders, and we ask all of you to boycott their products.
Join us in our fight to protect auditory decency.

Thank you.

Pee-Ess

(This is not meant to be arty, witty or self-exploratory. The inspiration came from a certain family member and her fantastic musings.. not trying to emulate the brilliance that is her blog, but simply because rambling online instead of on "Notepad" is more satisfying)

Tip of the day

Okay. Best way of cleaning up piles of shitty dishes and saucepans?

Throw them out.

Buy plastic plates. Sorry environment, but they wash easier. Sorry dinner guests, but the Wedgwood is otherwise engaged.

Scab new saucepans from mum/dad/grandparents when required.

(The same cannot apply to wine glasses... drinking Perrier Jouet out of a plastic cup is a crime. This one is non-negotiable.)

Autrefois, enjoy the instant clean-up!

Mattress Confessions.

I have a confession to make.

As I sit on this mattress on the floor - foam, flower patterned, discovered under a bed at my mum's house, slept on by more people than I care to recount - I am suffering from a painful addiction. I am no longer just a recreational user.

I feel dirty, riddled with guilt, a total failure.

I have been trying to hold out, trying to seek help, trying to stave off the nightmares and the itching and the panic attacks.

But I have anticipated the next fix for too long... I'm not strong enough yet.

That's right; I am a hopeless user.
A user of... TripAdvisor.com. I simply cannot help myself. The world is a big place, and I am trying to cover it all, from seedy hotel to stinking motel. To begin with, I was a "recreational user"; Using TripAdvisor as a resource for planning holidays, researching hotels, occasionally checking out the most expensive ones with a sigh and a longing for a massive amount of cash.
But then I turned to the dark side. After perusing user photos from a large amount of hotels, I discovered "those" photos. You know, the ones where people have taken pictures of THEMSELVES and posted them on the site thinly veiled as "hotel photos".

Asian couples smiling while getting massages! Tourists posing with staff! Overweight Western tourists generally looking fat and sunburnt and sipping sangrias out of novelty glasses! Filipinas posing in their bikinis in spas, pools, hammocks! Sweaty couples trying to look sexy and romantic! The list goes on. And on and on and on.

Highly recommended: Most SE Asian tourist destinations (Thailand, Malaysia are particularly notable), other Asian destinations - the Philippines is a good one. Also, the Spanish holiday islands where pommy chavs like to sun themselves until they peel, go clubbing, get shitfaced and sleep with everybody.

I have now found myself on this well-loved mattress night after night, staring intently at the screen while searching for the most touristy hotels, and the lowest star rated budget accommodations, to laugh at these unfortunate creatures. Because if you reach a point in your life when you feel it necessary to post photos of yourself on a travel forum in order to feel better about yourself, well... you are nothing but a dealer, ruining the lives of desperate junkies like myself by feeding our addictions. Thanks a lot.